just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
