I just saw a hot homeless man
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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