do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
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