it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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