Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
