i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
