there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
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Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
And then my night got REAL pukey
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
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