I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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