i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He? As in you personified your dick?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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