my phone needs a breathalizer
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
