she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
she peed on how many people?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Randomize
