I wish life had little blips of pornography
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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