The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
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