So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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