This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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