We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
