They should really pass out barf bags in church
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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