so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
