I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Farmville is her only friend.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
