I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
