I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
