I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
