We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
So many bounce houses so little time
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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