If that was your dad, he is hot
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
