her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Randomize
