Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Two words: blizzard sex
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
