Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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