Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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