There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
My ass is underappreciated
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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