Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
