After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Never joke about your clitoris.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
