Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
