Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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