I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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