In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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