Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
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