speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
ttyl tear gas
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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