I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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