He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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