I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
