I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
