yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
