between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
