its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
