Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
