You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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