I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
