she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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