i think i have herpe
just one?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize