you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
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