I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
