So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
