Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
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