The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
