I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
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