why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
