Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
