so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Four minutes until I can fart!
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
