I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
