Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
