All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
