Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
All I want is dick and wine.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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