why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Randomize
